Turn signals are great. They’re so simple. They explain so much while
being the easiest thing to understand. There’s no written language to
understand to understand a turn signal. They communicate a pure, often
important message to others. There is no nuance to a turn signal and the
information delivered by a turn signal is only ever beneficial to everyone
involved.
Most people who know me in real life consider me to be quiet,
introverted, thoughtful and, overall, a bit of an asshole. That’s all probably
pretty accurate but mostly because there aren’t turn signals. Human interaction
is incredibly complex and I get it wrong almost every time. It would be so much
better if motivations, needs and desires could be communicated in the same
purely binary principles of the turn signal. Instead, we’re meant to receive a
raft of spoken and unspoken information to understand each other.
Eye movement, posture, facial expression, hand gestures, personal
space, tone of voice, verbal infliction and a whole mess of other subtle and
not so subtle clues are continuously being delivered in even the simplest of
conversations. Heap on top of that individual, familial and cultural
differences mean that nobody is working with the same unspoken vocabulary. The
whole thing is further complicated by the fact that spoken words, meant to be
the most explicit form of communication, rely on living and therefore always
evolving languages. None of it - definitions, word order, sentence structure,
etc. - is static.
I just want to know if you’re turning left or right but somehow we’re
involved in a heated conversation about the pros and cons of tapioca pudding.
Is it any wonder I spend most conversations watching and listening? Receiving, interpreting
and filing the information that I think is being delivered is often
overwhelming. Then developing and delivering a clear response makes a complex
situation nearly impossible. Is it any wonder that I spend most of my time actively
avoiding conversations?
There aren’t many people I would count as close. There are a lot of
people I like and, not always concurrently, admire. There are far fewer with
whom I feel capable of communicating. I think those unfortunate few probably to
find me exhausting.
Despite appearances, I do crave human interaction as much as anyone
else. When I think I’ve found it, I quickly overload my new victim. Making
matters worse is the fact that I’m almost always wrong. I haven’t established
successful interaction. More often I’ve found someone who, for whatever reason,
finds it in their interest to try to exchange ideas with me. I find myself in
situations where I think I’m building a friendship or affection where the other
person might simply fulfilling a specific need. Once done, I’m left wondering
what happened to my new buddy.
I’m not saying I’m a victim or this is a situation unique to me. I
imagine this is a universal experience and I’ve probably been on the other side
of that situation quite a few times. I do think I’m less aware of it than most.
Human relations are always a negotiation and most people understand that instinctually.
I find I don’t and I have to stop and make myself understand that what I think
is a fast, new friendship was, actually, a transaction.
Whenever I really put my mind to these matters, I almost always decide
that I have Asperger syndrome. If I do, I’m on the functional end and there’s
probably not a lot of benefit in knowing. Fortunately, I do have a few people
in life and they’ll have to do.
