Friday, October 15, 2004

My default position

My dominate trait is depression. Have you seen many Ben Stiller films? You know the same character that he plays in every one of them, then, right? Furry, bent, dark and angry. I don’t find his films funny at all because I am that guy. All the slaps that life gives him make me wince while everybody else sniggers.

I don’t have a point that I’m leading up to, I just haven’t posted in a while and this is why. I very seldom have much to say except to complain and I don’t even complain in an entertaining way. So there it is.

My birthday was two days ago. Now, don’t start jumping to the obvious conclusion that I’m only saying these things because I have that depression that comes with this anniversary. You know, the melancholy that comes from reflecting on your life and realizing that you are so far off of the goal, that you can’t even remember what the goal was. The blue feeling that engulfs the anniversaried because they’ve passed another one year milestone and, if they died tomorrow, the world would not even notice their passing. No, those feelings don’t take me during the birthday days - they live with me all the time like noisy neighbors that I know will never move.

And I have met some life goals. I got my pilot’s license. Nothing to sneeze at, that. I am fully qualified to jump into a simple, single engine Cherokee and fly anywhere I want. Ho-hum. I haven’t exercised that right for 10 months. Mostly because of money, it’s an expensive hobby.

So, reaching goals doesn’t help. Or at least reaching that one didn’t. So now I’m chasing the dream of the book. I pound away at that thing like my life depends on it. And in a way it does. Not on the book per se, but on the idea that I have a plan to escape to that greener grass. If it wasn’t the book, it would be something else. But for now it’s the book.

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